Storms.

Many people are broken. Many people go through various "storms" throughout their lives. The hardest thing to do is to admit when you're in a storm. I will tell you right now, as hard as it is, I'm a mess. I'm BROKEN. Completely, utterly, hopelessly broken.

I was sure by now

God You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

This song by Casting Crowns is MY song right now. I cannot begin to tell you how many days I have to just play this song over and over and over. I can't even count the thoughts of "death" that have tortured me over the last year. Sometimes spiritual death and sometimes literal. I'm not in the worst of storms by far, but I'm struggling. Being newly married with a baby and living with my parents isn't the greatest. I'm so thankful for them and everything they do for us, but I feel like it will never be over. I wonder why God won't step in and give Dean a good enough job that would allow us to move out. So many times I let my circumstances get in the way of who it's really about. I like to believe it's about me, but it's not. It's so easy to be selfish. It's so easy to victimize myself. I hope and I PRAY that I don't act on it as much as I feel it inside. I know that God provides. He has shown his faithfulness and I know that He will continue to be faithful. Today was just one of those days.

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin

Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in

Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Every day is a battle for me. Every day I struggle with feeling worthless and neglected. I have always struggled with this. I've never been the popular one. I've never had more than 1 or 2 truly good friends. I've been rejected and left out. Even by the people who said I was their "bff." Getting pregnant before I was married didn't help my emotional and spiritual state at all. My entire pregnancy I felt worthless and forgotten. I felt like I didn't have a true friend. I had to be constantly reminded of who I am in Christ and how treasured I truly am. Today was a reminder day. I was struggling all morning to point that I cried when they played that song in worship.

Yesterday I received a letter from one of my best friends who is in New Zealand right now. Little did she know that the words she wrote to me were words that I so badly needed to hear (read?). She reminded me of when we were little how we planned to be missionaries in China together. She continued to reassure me that God has called me and that I am a missionary, despite my circumstance. What a coincidence that it would line up with today's lesson at church. We studied Luke 5, the calling of the disciples. I was reminded that Jesus didn't pick the best-of-the-best, smartest, strongest, wisest or oldest guys. He picked fishermen who were likely teenagers. He picked the lowly, broken people.

I'm done with hiding. I'm tired of feeling like I have to have it all together. I can't do it on my own and I don't have to because my Lord and Savior, my Abba Father, HE has it all together. I don't know why God has me in this "storm," but I do know that it will all be for HIS glory and not my own. I can only pray that I will be obedient and that I will praise him at all times. I pray that I would be completely transparent so that people wouldn't see Taylor, but that they would see Jesus.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. - 2 Corinthians 1:3-6

37 weeks.

I'm barely getting sleep these days, so I rarely have dreams. I don't even remember the last dream I had besides last night. It has made me kind of depressed because it was so realistic. I dreamed that my water broke or something and we finished packing my bag and left for the hospital. Even in the dream I had that feeling of "finally!" That only lasted a moment longer until I awoke, still in my bed. Why, out of all things did I have to dream this? Maybe it's because I am too anxious about my son's arrival that it's making me irrational. Am I crazy? Possibly.

I cannot wait for this pregnancy to be over and to finally hold my baby boy. So many people say, "Oh enjoy your pregnancy! It doesn't last forever." Well, to me it feels like forever. While I have had some amazing moments being pregnant, including bonding with my child, I am NOT one of those women who like being pregnant. I do not enjoy any part of it. I am pretty sure I have had depression before, but this has been ridiculous. I have been bombarded by the enemy with all kinds of unbearable thoughts. There have been days where the only thing that kept me going was the thought of holding my child. Glory to God for getting me through those stormy days and strengthening me. It is still hard, especially when I have nothing to do. God has been working though, because I'm not stressed about moving out. Yes, Dean is currently unemployed. Yes, I would like to move out and have our own place for OUR family. BUT the Lord has given me peace about this. I know He is preparing something for us.

My stresses are not gone though. They have only moved on to the next thing. This anxious/depression thing is a HUGE battle. Please pray that the Lord would equip me daily to deal with these thoughts and worries.

Plans. [27weeks]

"This isn't what I wanted or planned." Thoughts like these plague my mind from time to time. A blog that a friend recently wrote inspired me to write more about what I was feeling. I have plenty of time to just sit and think these days. I contemplate and try to understand how I'm feeling. Mostly with this whole "life plan" idea that people shove down our throats. I'm not in school anymore and I might not go back because I'm going to be a mom. Yea, I was planning on starting the Nursing program, but things have changed. People don't get it. They ask, "Why wouldn't you continue your school plan so if something ever happens to your husband, you'll be okay?" or "You have a back-up plan." It so hard to have courage and say, "It's not my plan, but it's God's alone." I'm struggling with that a lot lately. I have to constantly remind myself that God has me where HE wants me. I had dreams and plans to go on missions trips to Uganda, Kenya, China... wherever! I was going to be a nurse and come in contact with hurting people EVERY day. I thought, "Of course God wants that from me. I can share the gospel with all kinds of people. I must be on the right track." I'm not going to say that I will never be a nurse, but as far as I can see right now, it's not happening. God has me in a quiet place. It's so hard to get over my pride, sit tight, grow closer to Him, and enjoy it. God called me to be a mom and THAT is good enough. Yet many people try to convince me otherwise. Mom's are not held in the same respect any more. Guess what? I WANT to be a mom.

"A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.

She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life...

She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy...

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:

'Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.'

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

Proverbs 31: 10-13, 20, 25-30

How am I supposed to feel? What if I don't feel like that? Because I really don't feel appreciated. I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel like I can't prepare for my son. I feel like a bad wife. If I'm a bad wife, then how can I be a good mom?

I try so hard to do the right things, yet this is how I feel. I really need some prayer and encouragement.

PLEASE.

Lately.

These past couple months have been stressful because we are still living at home while Dean tries to find work. It isn't the most ideal situation for a married couple, especially while getting ready for a baby, but "He's not finished with me yet."

I know that God is still with us through this "storm" and that He has a plan. Even though I can't stand this and I wish I could see what He is doing, I must wait patiently. I have to constantly remind myself that this isn't permanent. Dean will get a job, we'll move out, and start our family. This isn't going to happen when I want it to or when Dean wants it to. It's going to happen when God allows it. I've been through all kinds of emotions (especially being pregnant). It is extremely hard for me to "get ready" for our son while still living with our families. It really takes a toll on me when we have to go back and forth from my parent's house and his parent's house. Especially because I'm pregnant and extremely uncomfortable anyways. Our bedroom barely holds all of our stuff, but atleast we have one. I'm extremely thankful that we are living here....for free! That is what I have to remind myself when I start to dwell on how it should be. I know that God is trying to teach us (mostly me, I'm sure) a lesson during this time. I don't know what it is yet, but I'm constantly looking for it.

There have been many open doors for jobs, some of which God has closed. We are still awaiting a reply from both Home Depot and the DES for possible jobs. I'm praying like crazy that this is it! (: We will just see. Please continue to pray for us in this time. Pray for patience, especially!

Our Story.

It amazes me sometimes how time flies. My husband, Dean, and I have been together over 2 years now and we finally got married on August 6th. We are also expecting our first child, a boy, who is due to arrive February 2nd, 2011. Lately, I've spent a lot of time remembering how we started and how we got here. Neither of us thought this is where we would be, but we're both so glad that it happened the way it did.

We met in CHI 115 (A conversational Chinese class) at Glendale Community College in the Fall of 2008. I wasn't supposed to be in that class. I had signed up for Chinese 101 only to find out it had been canceled, so I settled for 115. Dean's friend convinced him to take the class. Our class met on Tue/Thur at 7pm. Dean says he noticed me right away, but it wasn't until the third or fourth week of classes (September) that I really started to notice how cute he was.

One night, the teacher was late (as usual), so I decided to step into the hall to wait. It was also to escape the weirdos in our class that only talked about anime. A couple minutes later this guy came to join me. He just smiled and said, "Good idea." We started talking until the teacher got there. This happened again the next class

meeting. When we started class, I noticed that he had moved seats to the side of the room where I was sitting. I couldn't help but watch him whenever the teacher called on him to speak in Chinese.

The next week he wasn't at class. I missed him. The next Tuesday class he showed up with his hair cut and lookin' fresh. (; I was so hooked! That night he complimented on how cute my feet were and we sat closer to each other than before. Honestly, I didn't even know his name until the teacher called on him that night. I really liked talking to him. It was after class, when we were walking to the parking lot, that I asked him for his number. Right after he left I text him my number saying "Hey this is Taylor." To w

hich he rep

lied, "Hey this is Dean but you probably already knew that."

Our first "date" was hanging out at school for a couple hours before class. The ones to follow included the mall, an awkwardly racist movie, and the homecoming dance. We haven't been separated since.

It was in June of this year that we found out I was pregnant. Our world drastically shifted that day.We knew that the best thing to do was to choose to get married and start our life together. We didn't know how our families would react, but we knew that we had to tell them as soon as possible. There couldn't have been a greater picture of God's love, mercy and grace, than our family. I'm so thankful for the forgiveness and love that they have shown to Dean and me. Our families and friends worked really hard to help

us put together a wedding in a little over a month. God was working because our wedding plans all fell right into place perfectly.

August 6th, 2010, was the best day of my life. I got to marry my best friend in the whole world and I wore my dream dress. God's continual blessings upon us were so evident on that day; from the little details that weren't quite ready, to holding off the rain during the ceremony. Our special day was incredibly and amazingly beautiful. I couldn't have asked for anything better. As for my husband, I'm so proud of the man that Dean is and that he continues to be as he seeks God every day. He loves me more than anyone and treats me how I should be treated. I'm so thankful that he stepped up to the plate, regardless of the fear we both had about being parents. We know it will be hard, but we are choosing to do it together the way God intends for us to. We know that He is with us and will continue to take care of us.

I'm starting this blog to record the rest of my pregnany, as well as, married life with a baby. I will be sharing any thoughts, devotions, plans, news, crazy dreams, etc. STAY TUNED FOR MORE NEWS AND PICS!!! (: I hope you enjoy reading about my journey as a wife and soon-to-be mom.