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"This isn't what I wanted or planned." Thoughts like these plague my mind from time to time. A blog that a friend recently wrote inspired me to write more about what I was feeling. I have plenty of time to just sit and think these days. I contemplate and try to understand how I'm feeling. Mostly with this whole "life plan" idea that people shove down our throats. I'm not in school anymore and I might not go back because I'm going to be a mom. Yea, I was planning on starting the Nursing program, but things have changed. People don't get it. They ask, "Why wouldn't you continue your school plan so if something ever happens to your husband, you'll be okay?" or "You have a back-up plan." It so hard to have courage and say, "It's not my plan, but it's God's alone." I'm struggling with that a lot lately. I have to constantly remind myself that God has me where HE wants me. I had dreams and plans to go on missions trips to Uganda, Kenya, China... wherever! I was going to be a nurse and come in contact with hurting people EVERY day. I thought, "Of course God wants that from me. I can share the gospel with all kinds of people. I must be on the right track." I'm not going to say that I will never be a nurse, but as far as I can see right now, it's not happening. God has me in a quiet place. It's so hard to get over my pride, sit tight, grow closer to Him, and enjoy it. God called me to be a mom and THAT is good enough. Yet many people try to convince me otherwise. Mom's are not held in the same respect any more. Guess what? I WANT to be a mom.
"A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life...
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy...
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
'Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.'
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
Proverbs 31: 10-13, 20, 25-30
How am I supposed to feel? What if I don't feel like that? Because I really don't feel appreciated. I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel like I can't prepare for my son. I feel like a bad wife. If I'm a bad wife, then how can I be a good mom?
I try so hard to do the right things, yet this is how I feel. I really need some prayer and encouragement.
PLEASE.
